Forgiven.

Forgiveness, that's a pretty big word and yes if you know anything about it, you'll know it isn't always easy to give, but for me, the struggle about it isn't the giving part, but the receiving half of it. Before I was ultimately saved by God's amazing grace, I struggled with my sins and hurts, habits and hang ups a lot more then I probably should. Not many people know about what all I've been through, they just know the good parts of my life so if this shocks you a little, I apologize. Up until April of last year, I practically would cry myself to sleep every night, I told myself all the time that I wasn't good enough for the things I had, said that I wasn't beautiful and basically that I didn't deserve life on this Earth. But covering all of the hurt up, you would see a girl who looked as if she had it figured out, looked like the happiest person alive, always smiling and kind to almost everyone that she encountered. Man, I was good at hiding. And I was hiding, everywhere I would go I would be a chameleon, just blending in to the people around me. If I was with my Christians friends, I would act like I was so on fire for God that not even a bucket of water could put me out. When I was around the guys, I would act like one of them always trying to beat them at whatever they were doing, around the party people I would seem like the life of the party trying to show off how much I could take. But around myself, when it was just me, I would beat myself up and down about my actions and how I had about 15 different personalities. But when I was broken and confused, that's when I found the light shining through. When I knew there was no hope in my own self, I found hope in the lord. My life begin to change after I decided to attend a weekend of Chrysalis (awesome btw, if you have the chance..GO!), it really was a life altering experience. I learned that in order to see the light, you can't just hide in the darkness and wait for the sun to start shining, you have to cut open the surface and make cracks in your own life so the light of God can come shining through. But anyways, back to the forgiveness part. I knew that God had forgiven my sins and I knew that he always would if I would just repent. But I couldn't forgive myself. Before I got on the wrong track, I was a Christian but I didn't follow God. I just really felt that I owed him a big one, but what can you do that compares to what he did for us? Not much, unless you're willing to die for your owns sins..but didn't he already do that? So what do you do when you're so down from your own life and you can't get back up because all those sins are still lingering in your head. People always say forgive and forget, but we all know we can't just erase bad things from our mind and become oblivious to them, it's just not possible no matter how hard we try to do so. Up until a few weeks ago when I began reading the book "the irresistible revolution" by shane claiborne (FREAKING AMAZING book, please check it out) I still couldn't find it in my heart to forgive myself. But when I read this book it stuck me that in order to be fixed we must first be broken. Makes perfect sense right? You can't fix something unless something is wrong with it. So, I applied this to my life, which if you didn't know, was pretty broken and in time, I'm slowly healing. On another note, the giving part of forgiveness might be hard for you, I understand that it isn't the easiest thing to go hug someone and say I forgive you when they just slapped you. But throughout the Bible God shows forgiveness for everyone that turns against him, a broad example would be when he says "Forgive them, for they know not of what they do" that scripture is so powerful. Jesus while dying on the cross screaming out, FORGIVE THEM FATHER..they know not what they do..forgive them. If Jesus can forgive the ones that tortured him, beat him and ultimately put him to death until he rose again, I believe we can forgive others when they sin against us. I know that we can't all be little Jesus replicas walking around proclaiming forgiveness every time someone does something wrong, but I believe that if we stop being Christians, yes I said it..stop being Christians, and learn to only follow God and not be like hey I'm a Christian and I forgive you, forgiveness will come much easier to us.

Life is rough waters, just be sure to have a stable boat.
KG