Forgiven.

Forgiveness, that's a pretty big word and yes if you know anything about it, you'll know it isn't always easy to give, but for me, the struggle about it isn't the giving part, but the receiving half of it. Before I was ultimately saved by God's amazing grace, I struggled with my sins and hurts, habits and hang ups a lot more then I probably should. Not many people know about what all I've been through, they just know the good parts of my life so if this shocks you a little, I apologize. Up until April of last year, I practically would cry myself to sleep every night, I told myself all the time that I wasn't good enough for the things I had, said that I wasn't beautiful and basically that I didn't deserve life on this Earth. But covering all of the hurt up, you would see a girl who looked as if she had it figured out, looked like the happiest person alive, always smiling and kind to almost everyone that she encountered. Man, I was good at hiding. And I was hiding, everywhere I would go I would be a chameleon, just blending in to the people around me. If I was with my Christians friends, I would act like I was so on fire for God that not even a bucket of water could put me out. When I was around the guys, I would act like one of them always trying to beat them at whatever they were doing, around the party people I would seem like the life of the party trying to show off how much I could take. But around myself, when it was just me, I would beat myself up and down about my actions and how I had about 15 different personalities. But when I was broken and confused, that's when I found the light shining through. When I knew there was no hope in my own self, I found hope in the lord. My life begin to change after I decided to attend a weekend of Chrysalis (awesome btw, if you have the chance..GO!), it really was a life altering experience. I learned that in order to see the light, you can't just hide in the darkness and wait for the sun to start shining, you have to cut open the surface and make cracks in your own life so the light of God can come shining through. But anyways, back to the forgiveness part. I knew that God had forgiven my sins and I knew that he always would if I would just repent. But I couldn't forgive myself. Before I got on the wrong track, I was a Christian but I didn't follow God. I just really felt that I owed him a big one, but what can you do that compares to what he did for us? Not much, unless you're willing to die for your owns sins..but didn't he already do that? So what do you do when you're so down from your own life and you can't get back up because all those sins are still lingering in your head. People always say forgive and forget, but we all know we can't just erase bad things from our mind and become oblivious to them, it's just not possible no matter how hard we try to do so. Up until a few weeks ago when I began reading the book "the irresistible revolution" by shane claiborne (FREAKING AMAZING book, please check it out) I still couldn't find it in my heart to forgive myself. But when I read this book it stuck me that in order to be fixed we must first be broken. Makes perfect sense right? You can't fix something unless something is wrong with it. So, I applied this to my life, which if you didn't know, was pretty broken and in time, I'm slowly healing. On another note, the giving part of forgiveness might be hard for you, I understand that it isn't the easiest thing to go hug someone and say I forgive you when they just slapped you. But throughout the Bible God shows forgiveness for everyone that turns against him, a broad example would be when he says "Forgive them, for they know not of what they do" that scripture is so powerful. Jesus while dying on the cross screaming out, FORGIVE THEM FATHER..they know not what they do..forgive them. If Jesus can forgive the ones that tortured him, beat him and ultimately put him to death until he rose again, I believe we can forgive others when they sin against us. I know that we can't all be little Jesus replicas walking around proclaiming forgiveness every time someone does something wrong, but I believe that if we stop being Christians, yes I said it..stop being Christians, and learn to only follow God and not be like hey I'm a Christian and I forgive you, forgiveness will come much easier to us.

Life is rough waters, just be sure to have a stable boat.
KG

I'll never be a heart surgeon..

So I'm sitting in my AP English class listening to the student teacher go on and on about "In Cite Quotions", while trying to cram in all this useless information about the heart because next period I have a big whoppin test over everything that the heart intitles. I'm thinking that maybe my plan of going to bed early and waking up early to study wasn't the best idea considering I woke up at 7:20 and had to rush myself to get to school on time, which I did..success..but anyways what I felt preplexed to blog about today is the amount of goodness I guess I could say, that my lord provides for me. He truely is the ultimate provider in my life. Although i'm literally tripping over this test right now, and sitting here wondering who the smartest person in class is so I can nonchalantly go sit beside them for today, i've prayed and prayed this morning and I know God will provide for me. This test really isn't a big deal to be honest, and there are a lot of more things I could be worrying about, and proabably should be worrying about but it just goes to show that no matter how big, or even how little the problem is, my needs are always met by the one who gave his son for my life. I'm so lucky to know that my Abba Father is always right behind me through everything and that when the devil is trying to tempt me day by day, hour by hour I will NEVER be defeated because my God sits at he right hand throne and is always there. Such a load of the shoulder when I make myself remember this. I am blessed with the best, because he lives, and i'm alive in him.

Life is Rough Waters, be sure to have a stable boat.
KG

Things that make my life expectancy lower.

Pet peeves. That word alone makes me wanna gag someone. I mean get real, who decided that should be the word for something that annoys the daylight out of me? I figured it would be nice to come up with my own list of pet peeves just because there are so many things that I wish I could refrain from for the sake of my own life day by day!

1) Double negatives. I don't know if this annoyance is the outcome of my mother being an English teacher or what, but I absolutely can't stand when someone uses a double negative while speaking. It's not okay to say, "well I ain't never did that." Last time I checked, 2 negatives make a positive so if you're saying that, it looks like you really did do whatever you're talking about (which is probably irrelevant to anyones life anyway).

2)Dirty Nails. Gross, I mean come on dude it takes like five minutes to wash your hands and get all that grum and nastiness out from under your nail. Fix yourself please and thank you. If you're like some big handy-mechanic-man I completely understand, but when you get finished can you not get ahold of some soap for the sake of everyone you come in contact with? The worst is when you go to a restaurant and your waitress/waiter has gross nails, I swear i'd leave if it was to out of hand, I really wouldn't like there fingernail dirt on my plate.

3)Want some cheese with that whine? Okay I get it, your life sucks, but you don't have to express this everytime someone trys to talk to you. Get over yourself forreal, your life can't suck that bad. I have my days where I feel like the world has stopped turning and pin-pointed me out to destroy, yes, but I get over it and move along. I'm not going to sit there and tell you about how terrible my life is because one that makes you want to commit suicide and two the more negative you are, the worse the situation is going to get.

4)Flip-flops/heels. Ladies ladies ladies, you're better. Never leave the house knowing that your shoes sound louder than your voice. Do you know how annoying this can be? You sound like a horse walking around, in case you didn't know. Today, while getting my nails did there was a lady walking in to get hers fixed as well, I don't even remember what the woman looked like because as soon as she walked in the door, I thought it was already derby day and I couldn't help but stare with this awful confused look. Just fix yourself, and wear some safe shoes.

5) Heavy breathers. This is my at most BIGGEST pet peeve ever. Are you dying or something, because you sure do sound like you're having a legit asthma attack, let me go get your inhaler. I don't even wanna talk about this anymore it annoys me so much.

6) Head scratchers. Please STAY AWAY FROM ME. I do not enjoy the sound of you scratching your dry scalp all the time. This is nasty and you need to wash your head, k thanks. But really, get some of that "you can't wear black without the blue" stuff and then maybe you won't be all flakey..ughhhh.

I'm pretty positive that I have about 100 more Pet Peeves but I don't want to keep complaing and be the negative Nancy right now. So i'll shut up.
--btw, i'm babysitting the broski right now and he's been napping for a good 3 hours, not okay. The only thing I can think about it how nasty his diaper will be when he decides to awake from the dead.

Goodnight :)

KG

Today.

I just want to say that I have some pretty radical people in my life. This morning, I woke up late, rushed to get ready, coudn't find something to wear, pulled something from mom's closet..(she was ANGRY), looked like a hot mess all day and I was probably the most negative person alive for  few hours. But in the midst of all my anger, one of my friends sent me a random text that said, "God has called upon me to pray for you today so i've been praying all morning. Love you, smile you're beautiful." Now if that isn't God looking out for his children whom he loves with his whole heart I don't know what is. I mean wow, God knows my heart and pays attention to it so much that he knows when I need a little encouragement and he seeks to help me find a happy place daily. He is amazing! Just thought i'd share!
....btw, it took me literally 20 minutes to type this. Stupid finger splint, go die.

Life is rough waters, just be sure to have a stable boat.
KG

Broken, but assured.

   It's funny how in the middle of trying so hard to create a new life, the old one creeps forward and slaps you in the face, forcing you to pay attention to the pain, and throws your attention back to the dark corner of your consciousness. You've left it there to die, but it refuses, and despite your best efforts, and most positive thinking, despite your joyful forward movement, you still hear it over there, and the sound reminds you that you're broken hearted. You're angry. You're embarrassed. 
    Most days, I blame myself. I shouldn't eat that much. I should go for a run more often. I wish i would've been as strong with Christ back then like I am now. Why did I make that stupid decision? I should have another job. I shouldn't laugh as much. Why didn't I trust my own instinct? I should have given more, been more. I should learn to play. Maybe i should grow up a little more. Why didn't i study for that? But in the end, I can't take all that back. In the end, I didn't do those things, I chose a different path, but why? I ask..I won't answer.
    This morning, trying to decide what jewelry to wear, I found my string of pearls that my great grandma gave me. As I sat there and thought about the pieces of my life, and how in the world I ended up sitting in my chair, in my house, in this life I realized that each piece and part (fragile parts as well) made me the kate gosser i am right now. Then, I looked up and the string of pearls were stretched out across my vanity light and I compared my life to those pearls. Just like my broken but assured through Christ life, those pearls are each unique, each born of grit, mystery, and each one individual from another, if you really take the time to look. But how often do we take the time to look and realize the differences in our lives? I'm honestly proud of the person I have become. I'm not proud of my past, but i'm proud of what my past has made my future. It takes something butt ugly to make something absolutely beautiful in my mind. And trust me, I used to not be that glorious. But thanks to God and his NEVER ENDING grace..I am beautiful in him. 
  On another note faith. When something is stabbing you in the back, it's the optimum time to have a little faith. You really can't see the results when you have faith, even with hope shining in your face. You only know the next month or few will require walking on water. So you take off your Chuck Taylors or they'll be ruined and you put on some Crocs or better yet, go at it barefoot. I mean, when you walk on water probably the least of your concerns is getting your feet wet. Peter freaked out when he walked on water because the weather was bad, as if clear skies made it easier to walk those waves. I've been freaking out lately with stress. Which of course, is all the result of this great big hole in my pocket that is incapable of being sewn up. But i'm learning to just breathe, step back and become determined to simplify. God doesn't despise small beginnings. It's not like he's going to be genuinely pissed if you don't fix your issues right then, he understands the concerns of your heart, and as long as you stay faithful that you will be OKAY, he will provide for you. Maybe not right away, but as your faith increases, his grace increases as well.  I challenge you to have a little faith this week, step out of your comfortable box, be faithful and reach out. 
Psalm 84:11
For the Lord God is a Sun and Shield; the Lord bestows grace, favor and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.


Life is rough waters, just be sure to have a stable boat.
KG