Broken, but assured.

   It's funny how in the middle of trying so hard to create a new life, the old one creeps forward and slaps you in the face, forcing you to pay attention to the pain, and throws your attention back to the dark corner of your consciousness. You've left it there to die, but it refuses, and despite your best efforts, and most positive thinking, despite your joyful forward movement, you still hear it over there, and the sound reminds you that you're broken hearted. You're angry. You're embarrassed. 
    Most days, I blame myself. I shouldn't eat that much. I should go for a run more often. I wish i would've been as strong with Christ back then like I am now. Why did I make that stupid decision? I should have another job. I shouldn't laugh as much. Why didn't I trust my own instinct? I should have given more, been more. I should learn to play. Maybe i should grow up a little more. Why didn't i study for that? But in the end, I can't take all that back. In the end, I didn't do those things, I chose a different path, but why? I ask..I won't answer.
    This morning, trying to decide what jewelry to wear, I found my string of pearls that my great grandma gave me. As I sat there and thought about the pieces of my life, and how in the world I ended up sitting in my chair, in my house, in this life I realized that each piece and part (fragile parts as well) made me the kate gosser i am right now. Then, I looked up and the string of pearls were stretched out across my vanity light and I compared my life to those pearls. Just like my broken but assured through Christ life, those pearls are each unique, each born of grit, mystery, and each one individual from another, if you really take the time to look. But how often do we take the time to look and realize the differences in our lives? I'm honestly proud of the person I have become. I'm not proud of my past, but i'm proud of what my past has made my future. It takes something butt ugly to make something absolutely beautiful in my mind. And trust me, I used to not be that glorious. But thanks to God and his NEVER ENDING grace..I am beautiful in him. 
  On another note faith. When something is stabbing you in the back, it's the optimum time to have a little faith. You really can't see the results when you have faith, even with hope shining in your face. You only know the next month or few will require walking on water. So you take off your Chuck Taylors or they'll be ruined and you put on some Crocs or better yet, go at it barefoot. I mean, when you walk on water probably the least of your concerns is getting your feet wet. Peter freaked out when he walked on water because the weather was bad, as if clear skies made it easier to walk those waves. I've been freaking out lately with stress. Which of course, is all the result of this great big hole in my pocket that is incapable of being sewn up. But i'm learning to just breathe, step back and become determined to simplify. God doesn't despise small beginnings. It's not like he's going to be genuinely pissed if you don't fix your issues right then, he understands the concerns of your heart, and as long as you stay faithful that you will be OKAY, he will provide for you. Maybe not right away, but as your faith increases, his grace increases as well.  I challenge you to have a little faith this week, step out of your comfortable box, be faithful and reach out. 
Psalm 84:11
For the Lord God is a Sun and Shield; the Lord bestows grace, favor and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.


Life is rough waters, just be sure to have a stable boat.
KG